Let’s face it: The major problem we have in America today is where to point the blame. That applies to anything and everything. If you try to lay the blame for something at a politician’s feet, he’ll start dancing around the issue faster than the band can play the music. Point the finger of blame to a corporate entity and you’ll be facing a hoard of attorneys that multiplies like rabbits. Blame your spouse and you’ll be dead meat spinning on the rotisserie before you finish the last sentence.
Plain and simple, we MUST remove the need to blame anyone for anything. Therefore, we should start by having the courage and the fortitude to directly be proactive in resolving the ten, (10), most serious causes for blame at the earliest possible opportunity. I have some suggestions that I am putting on the table for your consideration:
(1) There has been a recent push to place alcohol detectors on all cars to prevent drunks from driving…. or any one from driving, for that matter, if they have had a drink. Now, we all know that will punch the cost of cars even higher… up to $500 per car. No one, however, is really thinking the problem all of the way through. I can get my friend to blow the tube, then I’ll get in and drive away. Who knows, this could lead to a new vocation, the name of which I’ll leave to your imagination. Booze causes health problems, just as cigarettes do. The real answer here is to get rid of the booze. Prohibition needs to be reinstated immediately. Come on, you must agree; if cars won’t start because the detector smells booze on the human breath, Congress won’t be able to get to work spending our money every day, and that’s what we’re paying them for.
(2) You’ve probably heard about the lady who is suing the bat manufacturer? Her son was pitching a little league game when the batter was lucky enough to swing his aluminum bat and hit the ball, which in turn rocketed back to the mound and hit the young pitcher in the chest in the left heart area just as the heart was relaxing, thereby causing the heart to stop momentarily due to a previously unknown rare heart condition. The lady says that aluminum bats hit the ball harder than wood bats. But, we all know that bats hit balls into players’ heads, bellies, wrists, groins… people get injured all of the time, whether the bat is made of wood or aluminum. The answer here is to reduce the size of the bat and the hardness of the ball. I recommend a law to require hollow plastic bats and balls in all baseball or softball games at all level of play from this point forward.
(3) Anyone who has tried to contact Dell Computer Service for tech help knows that Dell has the crappiest service in the land. That’s because all of their service reps are located in India, Indonesia, Thailand, or someplace where English is spoken with an authoritarian and unintelligible dialect and they are not empowered to take a pee unless it is in their manual. So, the new rule is that technical service reps MUST be located in the country, (U.S.) where the end product is sold and they must speak the language, (English), fluently. Otherwise, the product cannot be sold here. That saves us the agony of being accused of racism because we might decide not to purchase their bullshit products in the first place.
(4) We all know that guns kill people. They do it even without anyone around to aim and pull the trigger. But, those damned strict Constitutionalists keep harping on the right to bear arms. The simple answer, then, is to ban the manufacture, possession or sale of ammunition in the U.S. Let ‘em try and shoot that gun they cling on to without ammo.
(5) Now, it seems to be a national sport to talk bad about someone when they are running for political office. But, it just isn’t nice to talk about their spouses. Barracks Obama is just as correct in pointing that out as Chelsea was about people asking questions regarding her dad’s sexual life. We are only citizens, and we do not have the mental ability to think for ourselves or to digest issues. For that reason, I do not think that we, as Americans, are really entitled to know anything about the candidates, their backgrounds, or their relatives.
(6) Broken prophylactics are responsible for thousands of unwanted babies and thousands of sexually transmitted diseases in this country every year. Additionally, tinfoil wrappers and used condoms litter sidewalks, ditches, and flowerbeds across our beautiful landscape. Abstinence is the only answer, but no one will comply with such an edict. We therefore recommend the removal of all sexual reproductive organs immediately upon birth. For those who insist on having children, they can adopt from a third-world nation and thereby reduce hunger.
(7) SUV’s eat gas and kill small-car drivers. No one cares to touch this sacred cow, so we suggest that there be a law prohibiting the sale of more than three SUV tires to anyone. There’s more than one way to skin a SUV.
(8) Everyone complains about taxes. Married people get a break. People with kids get a break. The rich pay less than their share. People with mortgages get a break but renters don’t. Someone is always to blame on this issue, so the only fair answer is that the tax rates be set at 100% for everyone. That eliminates hundreds of thousands of IRS agents and tons of paperwork every year. The government can thusly be in charge of seeing that we all live in comparable houses, eat comparable food, and go to comparable schools.
(9) One of the major issues facing America today is identification. We need plastic cards for each bank account, cards for licenses, cards for medical information, cards for social security, cards for buying groceries, and cards for insurance. The idea of under-the-skin implants is ideal. These implants can carry all of that information and more, and we won’t have to worry about carrying cash, either.
(10) Race has been a problem since day one. The Europeans have been fighting the Indians, Mexicans and Negroes since well before 1796. The best way to eliminate this issue permanently is to remove everyone who is not of the original race on this continent. Therefore, the Indians are now back in charge and everyone else must leave. Don’t forget to stop by the casino on your way out.
I thought that ten would cover everything, but another has just come to mind that cannot be left out. Effective immediately, everyone born in this country will have their rear end sewn shut, because one of the oldest issues that we have had to place blame for in the past is the well-known issue, “Shit happens.”
Should I try to solve ten more next week?
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